War of the Coprophages

 The thing that I probably enjoy the most about this episode is finding out what M & S like to do on the weekends. Scully washes her dog, cleans her gun, eats ice cream, reads... Typical single woman stuff I guess! Mulder drives out of state to investigate UFO sightings that Scully wouldn't be interested in, and don't merrit FBI involvement.

Cute. Both of them. It makes them so human, and it demonstrates that their relationship does not have to be restricted to office hours only.

Scully's been trying to reach him; maybe she's bored this weekend, or maybe it's normal. When she finally gets a hold of him, he tells her he's in Massachusetts.

S: Visiting your mother?

M: No, just, uh... sitting and thinking. Widespread accounts of unidentified colored lights hovering in the skies were reported last night. 

Mulder is, indeed, in an introspective mood and attempts to share his thoughts with Scully.

M: Look, Scully, I know it's not your inclination but... did you ever look up into the night sky and feel certain that not only was something up there but it was looking down on you at that exact same moment and was just as curious about you as you are about it?

S: (while pulling her gun apart and cleaning it)  Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet is that, through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. Uh, the, the very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable but at it's most basic level, downright anti-Darwinian.

M: Scully... what are you wearing? 

Ah! A meaningful exchange of personal insight and a come-on!  We are off to such a great start.  Their phone call ends suddenly, however when Mulder has to hang up on her; a police officer thinks he's acting suspicious by just "sittin' and thinkin" in his car. Mulder mentions a bug that was on his windshield and the police officer overreacts by reaching for his gun... Mulder is pulled into a weird investigation, but it gives him a reason to call Scully back. Scully (so cute) is eating a dinner of salad in front of her couch, watching TV.

M: I think you better get up here.

S: What is it?

M: It appears that cockroaches are mortally attacking people.

(Cut back to Scully.)

S: I'm not going to ask you if you just said what I think you just said because I know it's what you just said. 

Here begins the clever and hilarious pattern for the episode in which Mulder presents a bizarre scenario, Scully counters with a perfectly reasonable explanation- this time anaphylactic shock- and asks if he still wants her to come up and join him, to which he replies "no, you're probably right". Because Scully is wicked smart and generally tends to be right.

Officer: Who was that?

M: My drug dealer. 

Dude, weren't you on Breaker High? Or maybe I'm the one who's high...

Anyway...

The second time, the stoner is found dead and Scully is washing Queequeg. Killer cockroaches?

S: You know, Mulder, there's a psychotic disorder associated with some forms of drug abuse where the abuser suffers from delusions that insects are infesting their epidermis. It's called Ekbom's Syndrome.

M: Ekbom's Syndrome?

S: The victim cuts himself in, in an attempt to extract the imaginary insect. Still want me to come up?

M: No, uh, you're probably right. I'm sorry to bother you.

S: It's no bother. :) Bye. 

She smiles a bit; she is either amused or enjoying all of the attention :P. Or maybe it's nice to have Mulder just telling her she's 'probably right' for once. Or all of the above! 

Next: Scully is reading Breakfast at Tiffany's in front of a cozy fire. She doesn't bother to say 'hello', or even check to see who is calling;

S: Who died now?

M: The medical examiner. His body was found next to a toilet, covered in roaches. I really think you should come...

S: (interrupts) A toilet? Check his eyes. Is one of them bloodshot with a dilated pupil?

M: Yeah.(is she good or what?)

S: It's probably a brain aneurysm.

M: Brain aneurysm?

S: Straining too forcefully is very common causation for bursting a brain aneurysm.

M: Well, how do you explain the roaches, though?

S: Did you catch any?

M: Almost. 

Scully takes some initiative and looks into cockroaches for Mulder, discovering slightly more aggressive breeds of Asian cockroaches, and suggests perhaps he's looking for an introduced species. She calls him while eating from a tub of ice cream. Mulder has since learned that the government is conducting cockroach experiments here in town.

S: Mulder, you're not thinking about trespassing onto government property again, are you? I know that you've done it in the past, but I don't think that this case warrants...

M: It's too late, I'm already inside.

S: (signs in frustration, not entirely surprised) Well, what's going on? What do you see?

M: I'm a house. It's apparently empty

S: What does the place look like?

M: It's a, uh... typical two-story suburban house. Nice big living room, sparsely furnished...Nice carpets... fireplace...Nice kitchen. Modern appliances.. Moving walls..

And cockroaches! And...Bambi! Mulder hangs up (and Scully, certain that her partner is now in danger shouts at the phone!)

Mulder is... intrigued... by this development to say the least!

Meanwhile poor Scully sits by the phone, waiting for her partner to call back, wondering if he's alright! Aw, Scully!

The a-dork-able Dr Bambi confesses her bizarre insect-UFO theory to Mulder:

Bambi: Well, it's my theory that UFOs are actually insect swarms. I don't know if you know anything about UFOs (he stares at her), but all the characteristics of a typical sighting are shared with nocturnal insects swarming through an electrical air field... the sudden appearance of a colored, glowing light hovering in the night sky, moving in a nonmechanical matter, possibly humming. Creating interference with radio and television signals. Then suddenly disappearing.

M: (nodding the whole time) As, uh... as nocturnal insect swarms. That's, uh... that's fascinating.

BAMBI: Everything about insects is fascinating. They are truly remarkable creatures. So beautiful, and so honest.

M: Honest?

BAMBI: Eat, sleep... defecate, procreate. That's all they do. That's all we do, but at least insects don't kid themselves that it's anything more than that. 

Scully takes this moment to attempt contact with her imperiled partner; Mulder answers his phone with an automatic 'not now' and hangs up! Well that doesn't exactly put her mind at ease so she goes to bed with her phone!

When Mulder can't sleep that night, he calls her. The truth is.. he's afraid of bugs and it's keeping him awake.

M: I met an entomologist, Doctor Berenbaum, who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new cockroach species.

S: Did he give you any idea of how to catch them?

M: No. But she did tell me everything else there is to know about insects.

S:( suddenly threatened) She?

M: Yeah, did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshipped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honor them, which may be just giant symbolic dung heaps?

S: (Maybe if she can one up him she wins?)Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper?

M: Bambi also has this theory I've never come acro...

S: (even more threatened) Who?

M: Doctor Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is...

S: Her name is Bambi?

M: Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFOs are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields.

S: (has stopped listening to anything that doesn't have to do with Bambi) Her name is Bambi?

M: Scully, can I confess something to you?

S: (bracing herself for some particularly bad news; like perhaps he hooked up with this Dr. Bambi..) Yeah, sure, okay.(is NOT sure she wants to hear it)

M: I hate insects.

S: (More relieved than he'll ever know!) You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's just a... it's a natural, instinctive...

 M: No, no, I'm not afraid of them. I hate them.( aka... he's afraid of them..)

Mulder has to cut off their phone call again- nooo! He hears a scream down the hall; it's another roach attack. When he calls her back, Scully is already dressed up and packing her suitcase! "I'm coming up there right now!".

It is not simply because of all the deaths , of course ;) But she uses that as her angle; there is still something weird going on up there.

M: Maybe not. All your conjectures have proved correct. 

Well.... she's still coming up there. In the mean time, Mulder has successfully collected a roach from the scene. This one's not only made of metal but it is also "hung like a club tailed dragon fly", which is maybe the funniest line on the X-Files ever.

It leads Mulder to a research lab where he meets a sort of Stephen Hawking kind of character who believes space exploration will be done by machines based on insects.

IVANOV: Then the interplanetary explorers of alien civilizations will likely be mechanical in nature. Yes. Anyone who thinks alien visitation will come not in the form of robots, but of living beings with big eyes and gray skin has been brainwashed by too much science-fiction.  

True that. Mulder has Dr. Ivanov check the cockroach under the scope; it is so far beyond his comprehension that he and Mulder must break out the Scotch and drown their disbelief.

Scully calls.

S: Mulder, this town is insane.

M: Where are you?

S: I'm in a convenience store on the outskirts of, uh... (looking at the map) civilization.

They meet at ALT FUELS Inc ("Waste is a Terrible Thing to Waste"), which makes fuel out of manure and is believed to be the origin of the cockroach infestation. Mulder instructs Bambi to wait outside in the car.

When Scully pulls up it's pure gold. 

S: (soooo unimpressed) Let me guess... Bambi.

BAMBI: Fox told me to wait out here while he checked inside first. Should I come along with you?

S: No (loading her gun dramatically)... this is no place for an entomologist. 

Kick ass, Scully, kick ass!

Meanwhile, Mulder's phone rings and he is accused of being a cockroach by the loony-toon scientist, who shoots at him in a building full of methane! Great idea. Mulder catches Scully on her way in and directs her out the door. The building explodes covering everybody in manure.

Bambi and Dr. Ivanov meet.. and fall in love. Catty Scully is pleased; another crisis averted.

S: Smart is sexy. (takes the opportunity to make fun of him) Well, think of it this way, Mulder. By the time there's another invasion of artificially-intelligent, dung-eating robotic probes from outer space, maybe their uber-children will have devised a way to save our planet.

M: You know, I never thought I'd say this to you, Scully... but...(pause) you smell bad. 

Mulder leaves, taking the umbrella with him.